2016.08.29

Only our first night together, but I suspect that the beautiful worry doll Georgia Rae brought back for me from Mexico already has her work cut out for her. “We’re closing in on our one year anniversary,” I whispered to her as I rubbed her gently, “and my biggest worry is that I’ve permanently lost the most meaningful human connection I’ve made to date.” She looks cool, confident, and capable. I kiss her head and tuck her under my pillow.

 

what are you afraid of?

i don't know.

what are you afraid of?

it will hurt him or make him mad.

what else?

he won't respond or his response will hurt me. 

what else?

he doesn't love me like i love him. 

anything else?

he never really loved me.



what are you afraid of?










                              you say if he is worth
                              the spaces he occupies
                              he will come home soon

 
                         








 

When only half your face looked up to greet the whole of my voice as I pleaded with you to hold tight until the paramedics arrived, I thought I knew. While we waited like dogs desperate in the E.R. and you feverishly grasped at Cary and I to hug us for the last time, I thought you knew. I never felt as heartbroken, helpless, or hopeless in all my life as I did in that room. And now, I can’t even think about it and breathe at the same time, so I don’t. I can’t hold to the thought of you suffering in that hospital bed. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, but it feels like that precious fact is utterly useless to us now. Even worse, it may prove a liability. I feel a part of me leaving with you, but I am unsure how much of us, or what will remain, or what will take its place. I am sad, I feel uncertain. I hide under our green blanket, I cry alone in the shower. I feel beatable, though I am not allowed to, I still worship you. I adore you.

 

 

Moving forward

2016.08.16

Those who are eager to face truth reflect on the difference between attachment and love:

In reflection, they see that attachment always comes with demands or conditions. Those who know how to stand back can notice it. Using their insight, they ask themselves, “Is what I am calling love really attachment thriving under the shelter of beautiful words? Do I have any demands on the person whom I love? Is it a kind of bargain? Is it a business?”

When we put love in the category of business, it is not love. In business, we see where we get profit. There is no feeling of giving, offering, accepting, only seeing who gets more. Both parties are watching out for themselves. If this is the case in a relationship, then are we not deluding ourselves?

So when you understand this truth, you understand your relationships. Your awareness becomes different. Your perception changes. You know how to give space, how to give room. Relationships become sweeter, more meaningful. The other party starts to learn from you. Love is vast. When you encompass that vastness, then you love all. When you love all, then you really love the one whom you love.

Twelve Facets of Reality: The Jain Path to Freedom, Gurudev Shree Chitrabhanu

 

 

 

Dad, I am feeling excited and looking forward to traveling so much now especially all of us together, it has really lifted my mood and given me something to get excited about, thank you sincerely for getting tickets and making this happen! p.s. Help mom out I don’t think her passport is up to date and I am not sure how familiar she is with the process, especially if she is going to have to expedite it. I’m worried because it might be too late. If I remember right the fastest you could expedite was 30 days. I could be remembering wrong, but I am pretty sure. And she emailed me saying hers expires tomorrow.

I can get mom passport in one day. I got one last week for Atef Magda same day from Miami.

Haha. Are you serious? Same day! Jesus, cutting it close..

With me everything is same day.

I guess nothing is impossible.

The only one that can beat me in this country is you.

Pshhh, if I’m your biggest challenge then you’ll go undefeated.

I don’t know how to defeat you for the last 25 years.

I’m 30. You’re saying you could control me until I turned 5..

Yes, yes. The only one really.

What about Cary? No force on Earth or in heaven will control her. 🙂

I give up on Cary the day she born.  I am not sure she is even mine.

Liar! I am quoting you! Oh give it a rest. We both know good and well mom is 100% faithful.

Yes she is. Always I win in any situation not involving you. Once you are in it I lose lose loser. It is not okay. You just remind me when I was your age!!! Unbeatable. That is you, unbeatable girl.

Really? That might be the nicest thing you have ever said to me..

I swear to you, you are. I mean it.

 

 

 

May 23rd, 2016

2016.08.15

Hey dad, how are you feeling

Miss you so much look to see you soon I feel good waiting for the results

Okay dad hang in there I am going to try and come home early

Come back soon to save me from Cary

 

There is a story of a woman whose husband was constantly gambling and getting drunk. He used to come home late at night, knock on the door, and wait for his wife to open it. She would do so at whatever hour he came home. Always she remained peaceful, patient.

Eventually, he grew tired of his own vices and ran away. After five years, with spoiled health, he returned home. His wife had known that one day he would. Meanwhile, during the five years in which he had been absent, she had not lost her peace nor had she turned to vices herself. She had used her time to build her inner muscles.

She was so strong that the evening he returned and stood at the door, she only said, “Come in, please!” He could not believe that after five years, after having run away, he could be hearing these gentle words. Then she said, “You must be hungry. Have some dinner.”

Hearing these sweetly spoken words, he began to melt inside. He started to cry. The tears kept on rolling down his cheeks. Gently his wife said, “Have I not told you- you are not bad. It was the company you kept. And don’t these tears show that the core of your heart is good and soft?” He felt like bowing at her feet. “I have heard about saints, ” he said, “but if I had not seen you, I would never have believed. Now I know that I have no need to go away again.”

He then began moving forward into a purposeful life.

Twelve Facets of Reality: The Jain Path to Freedom, Gurudev Shree Chitrabhanu

2016.08.15

 

In meditating on this bhavana, we observe our whole cycle:

We say, “When I was born, my mother was in pain, crying. Then she saw my face and was happy. The pain was gone.” What the mother suffered for nine months was gone in one minute.

At the same time, we look at those close to us in our lives- a brother, sister, parent, or partner- and see that some have gone and some are still here. The dearest people whom we love and who love us come and go. They don’t remain permanently. The people who hate and are hated also come and go.

This is the Ferris wheel; this is the process.

Twelve Facets of Reality: The Jain Path to Freedom, Gurudev Shree Chitrabhanu

2016.08.15






                        they asked for you and i smile softly
                        slowly build big beautiful teary eyes
                        i gently shrug my shrinking shoulders 
                        i think dad is the only one who knows
                        irony he is the only one who feels me
                        never too soon for the lesson on loss
                        never too late for the lesson on love






to you, my mane

2016.08.13



                                   a bald man for a mane
                                   held on to our center  
                                   she opened up to your
                                   trapped in his circle
                                   you never under stood 
                                   and could not protect   
                                   we never had a chance
                             
                             
                            





2016.08.12

 

 

 

a p p l e s
l i b e r t y  
c i g a r  
l a k e  e l l a
p o l y a m o r o u s
v e g e t a r i a n
p a s t a  d i n n e r
m a n g o s
m u s i c  f e s t i v a l
f l a t  l a n d
t h e  b e t t y ' s
s i l e n t  d i s c o
u n l o c k e d  c h a p e l
r i v e r  r o m a n c e
g r a s s l a n d s
e m o t i o n  w o r d  l i s t
t h e  p r i n c e
f a l a f e l  w a f f l e s
t r a n s i t i o n
t h e  p l a n t
l a  s e i n e / 
f r e n c h  g r a s s h o p p e r  m o n s t e r
c a n d l e  l i t  h a m p e r / l o v e
k a l a m a t a  o l i v e s
n o n v i o l e n t  c o m m u n i c a t i o n
f r i e n d s h i p 
f l a g l e r
s h e l l s / s u r f /
u n d e r  t h e  s t a r s




2016.08.12

 

 

 

l i b e r a t e
o n e 
a n o t h e r
n o t h i n g
n e w
i s
s u r e
i s
n e w
n o t h i n g
a n o t h e r
o n e
l i b e r a t e



2016.08.10

 


                     
                      fair weather whose need to know let
                      me down for the last time with your
                      silence as violence had lesson plan 


                       
                       
                       

                       
                       




2016.08.09

Sundays, nowadays

2016.08.08

The Olympic style of
Sundays are new days
i read to you and we
watch T.V. with ease
we made a compromise
tennis match for you
and i get to watch a
stunning Serena slay
but you glared at me 
so skeptically as if
to say this daughter 
is too obviously gay 
but not to worry you
love unconditionally
now and are so sorry
about that pain kill 
past and in fact our
love was your saving 
grace and everything 
nowadays he is proud



 

 

 

 

                        i wake up to the down
                        and so not to drown i
                        lift my rust from the
                        sink to study my face
                        through your eyes see
                        myself how you saw me
                        my attention drawn to
                        the task of carefully 
                        mapping out of all my
                        imperfections and you
                        tell me where to draw
                        blood and drain pores
                        and when it hurts too
                        much i feel you close
                        behind my apple eye i
                        devastate the process
                        i must make a morning
                        last this time i will
                        though this warmth of 
                        over has taken over i
                        once more implore you
                        take out my apple eye
                        see what i see when i
                        say i love you though
                        i am not allowed to i
                        worship your disciple
                        ship so anchor to her
                        your search for truth
                        





        






 

1. End the war on black people.

2. Reparations for past and continuing harms.

3. Divestment from the institutions that criminalize, cage and harm black people;

and investment in the education, health and safety of black people.

4. Economic justice for all and a reconstruction of the economy

to ensure our communities have collective ownership, not merely access.

5. Community control of the laws, institutions and policies that most impact us.

6. Independent black political power and black self-determination

in all areas of society.

 

 

2016.08.02

on my summer of death
our dream dissolution
the resurrection fern

aim anew forward move
how Bodhisattvas swim
inside the Suwannee i

looked up at the rain
drops sun-kissed this
lemonade stand set up

promise to go where i 
am needed most and to 
leave this life after
better, without cries
out for mad attention
in peace with purpose 

the opposite of how i 
arrived: tranquil and 
not the cause of pain