August 29, 2016

Only our first night together, but I suspect that the beautiful worry doll Georgia Rae brought back for me from Mexico already has her work cut out for her. “We’re closing in on our one year anniversary,” I whispered to her as I rubbed her gently, “and my biggest worry is that I’ve permanently lost the most meaningful human connection I’ve made to date.” She looks cool, confident, and capable. I kiss her head and tuck her under my pillow.


what are you afraid of?

i don't know.

what are you afraid of?

it will hurt him or make him mad.

what else?

he won't respond or his response will hurt me. 

what else?

he doesn't love me like i love him. 

anything else?

he never really loved me.

what are you afraid of?

                              you say if he is worth
                              the spaces he occupies
                              he will come home soon



When only half your face looked up to greet the whole of my voice as I pleaded with you to hold tight until the paramedics arrived, I thought I knew. While we waited like dogs desperate in the E.R. and you feverishly grasped at Cary and I to hug us for the last time, I thought you knew. I never felt as heartbroken, helpless, or hopeless in all my life as I did in that room. And now, I can’t even think about it and breathe at the same time, so I don’t. I can’t hold to the thought of you suffering in that hospital bed. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, but it feels like that precious fact is utterly useless to us now. Even worse, it may prove a liability. I feel a part of me leaving with you, but I am unsure how much of us, or what will remain, or what will take its place. I am sad, I feel uncertain. I hide under our green blanket, I cry alone in the shower. I feel beatable, though I am not allowed to, I still worship you. I adore you.



Moving forward

August 16, 2016

Those who are eager to face truth reflect on the difference between attachment and love:

In reflection, they see that attachment always comes with demands or conditions. Those who know how to stand back can notice it. Using their insight, they ask themselves, “Is what I am calling love really attachment thriving under the shelter of beautiful words? Do I have any demands on the person whom I love? Is it a kind of bargain? Is it a business?”

When we put love in the category of business, it is not love. In business, we see where we get profit. There is no feeling of giving, offering, accepting, only seeing who gets more. Both parties are watching out for themselves. If this is the case in a relationship, then are we not deluding ourselves?

So when you understand this truth, you understand your relationships. Your awareness becomes different. Your perception changes. You know how to give space, how to give room. Relationships become sweeter, more meaningful. The other party starts to learn from you. Love is vast. When you encompass that vastness, then you love all. When you love all, then you really love the one whom you love.

Twelve Facets of Reality: The Jain Path to Freedom, Gurudev Shree Chitrabhanu