At Age 27:

2012.06.29

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. dropped out from his job at General Electric to become a full-time writer. Henry David Thoreau went off for two years to live alone in a cabin at Walden Pond. Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first person in space. Ernest Hemingway published his first novel, The Sun Also Rises. Jimi Hendrix choked to death on his own vomit after ingesting wine and sleeping pills. Janis Joplin died of an overdose of whiskey and heroin. Conceptual artist Piero Manzoni crapped in 90 small cans which were then factory sealed and offered for sale at the price of gold (source: http://www.museumofconceptualart.com/accomplished/).

2012.06.29

2012.06.28

“My world falls apart, crumbles, “The centre cannot hold.” There is no integrating force, only the naked fear, the urge of self-preservation. I am afraid. I am not solid, but hollow. I feel behind my eyes a numb, paralysed cavern, a pit of hell, a mimicking nothingness. I never thought. I never wrote, I never suffered. I want to kill myself, to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly into the womb. I do not know who I am, where I am going—and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions. I long for a noble escape from freedom—I am weak, tired, in revolt from the strong constructive humanitarian faith which presupposes a healthy, active intellect and will. There is nowhere to go.”     -Sylvia Plath

“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”

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“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.”

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“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.”

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“And I, love, am a pathological liar,”

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-Sylvia Plath Quotes

one thing i  learned in domestic violence prevention and intervention training is how every woman has their own breaking point, entirely unique to themselves and their experience of the world, a point (roughly) wherein she realizes the life she has accepted for herself is no longer the one she wishes to participate in, the point where the vague consideration to leave comes to become the forefront nagging voice dictating her waking experience. mine was when i thought hany had broken my arm and had been unwilling to come to my aid, in spite of the context- not because there wasn’t plenty of points beforehand that should have been just as compelling, not for any other reason than watershed experiences are unpredictable, idiosyncratic decision spaces born in individual chaos and presence. we feel them before we can properly isolate and identify them. we feel them way before we understand or appreciate them. i think.

anyways, i ramble away on all this because. i think. i may have happened upon yet another one late last week. i had went over to watch a movie (the ‘tree of life’ – 2011 indie flick with brad pitt and sean penn) with my new boy that is a friend in the sense that people mean when they say the two words together. there is a scene where a 50’s house husband restrains his 50’s house wife  in his arms’ embrace–in their kitchen– after he had lost his temper with their children at the dining room table. she is frustrated and upset and he just puts his arms around her to keep her from violently expressing (in their shared reality frame) any of the overwhelming sentiments she is feeling throughout her person. until she calms down quietly calming soothing accepting. the restraint scene goes on for a few very long seconds, and it absolutely captivated my attention.  50’s husband wasn’t a bad father, or even a bad husband either . the 50’s husband wasn’t a bad anything. but all that  is irrelevant.

i haven’t exploded yet, i thought to myself, i still haven’t really and truly splattered my guts all across the kitchen. and i haven’t been quite the same since late last week.

2012.06.22

‘Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts.

Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts.

Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me…

Anything can happen, child.  Anything can be.’

 

-Shel Silverstein

Some of us in the department decided to start a Richard Rorty reading group for the summer. It might have took all of the first ten pages for me to register I was in love with this philosopher. For our first group session, we discussed the Introduction and Chapter 1 of his book, Philosophy and the Mirror of Nature. Below are a few of my favorite quotes from this section of his text:

-“The notion that there could be such a thing as “foundations of knowledge” (all knowledge- in every field, past, present, and future) or a “theory of representation” (all representation, in familiar vocabularies and those not yet dreamed of) depends on the assumption that there is some such a priori constraints.” (9)

-” In Part III I take up the idea of ‘philosophy’ more explicitly. Chapter 7 interprets the traditional distinction between the search for ‘objective knowledge’ and other, less privileged, areas of human activity, as merely the distinction between ‘normal discourse’ and ‘abnormal discourse’. ‘Normal discourse’ (a generalization of Kuhn’s notion of ‘normal science’) is any discourse (scientific, political, theological, or whatever) which embodies agreed-upon criteria for reaching agreement; abnormal discourse is any which lacks such criteria. I argue that the attempt (which has defined traditional philosophy) to explicate ‘rationality’ and ‘objectivity’ in terms of conditions of accurate representation isa  self-deceptive effort to eternalize the normal discourse of the day, and that, since the Greeks, philosophy’s self-image has been dominated by this attempt.”  (11)

-“It is pictures rather than propositions, metaphors rather than statements, which determine most of our philosophical convictions.” (12)

-“In my Wittgensteinian view, an intuition is never anything more or less than familiarity with a language-game, so to discover the source of our intuitions is to relive the history of the philosophical language-game we find ourselves playing.” (34)

-“In my view, as I have said, ‘essentialist intuitions’ and ‘clear and distinct perceptions’ are always appeals to linguistic habits entrenched in the language by our predecessors.” (56)

June 19th, 2012

2012.06.20

I successfully cooked a vegan dinner:
a spinach al dente topped with veggies
cooked in a garlic-roasted tomato-sauce.
And that wasn't even the reason this date will be easy to remember.

places to hang out

2012.06.15

 at precipices where truths bequeath their priority to possibilities
 the fluctuating circumferences of circles
 the little lala land lingering light
 between stares, blanks
 blown at your head

2012.06.14

'You will get fucked and abandoned in this life' ,
my dearest friend informed me today,
proving how we 'prove' our best points in our sleep,
proving how we, entirely unbeknownst to ourselves,
display the intuitions that propel us to the edge of cliffs.
 And proving yet again how much I love those proofs
that demonstrate so convincingly why everything
worth anything that has happened to me,
has always happened to me at the edge of cliffs.
 
 

after all that …

2012.06.13

laughter and our vivid conversation and colorful walk through the park that day and that little dog we saved  after the crowd those six days and during my presentation it wasn't until after all the festivities had passed us by that week that i realized we hadn't even met that i had no idea  no clear sense of who i had been alone with that i had no substantive reason to posit your existence and you can imagine my disappointment and excitement to learn the news that you in fact had only lived your whole life in my least favorite part of town that you in truth had only ever resided anywhere once in my head

2012.06.13

“Don’t you want to join us?” I was recently asked by an acquaintance when he ran across me alone after midnight in a coffeehouse that was already almost deserted.

“No, I don’t.” I said.

-Franz Kafka

2012.06.13

“The end comes when we no longer talk with ourselves. It is the end of genuine thinking and the beginning of the final loneliness. The remarkable thing is that the cessation of the inner dialogue marks also the end of our concern with the world around us. It is as if we noted the world and think about it only when we have to report it to ourselves.” 

– Eric Hoffer


2012.06.13

what could possibly have gone wrong
 with this best plan to scape goat tan
with our mind bender defender wand
and cloak
where did we go wrong

2012.06.10

i am possessed by the idea
that i am dispossessed
by ideas

atrophy

2012.06.10

1. noun; degeneration, decline, or decrease, as from disuse: “And even the mind is subject to atrophy!”, she cried and screamed and bellowed at the top of her lungs; but alas, it was to no avail- his ship had set sail.

‘Follow the path of least resistance.’
‘I hope you never settle for the path of least resistance.’


– Alex (A Clockwork Orange)