At Age 27:

June 29, 2012

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. dropped out from his job at General Electric to become a full-time writer. Henry David Thoreau went off for two years to live alone in a cabin at Walden Pond. Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first person in space. Ernest Hemingway published his first novel, The Sun Also Rises. Jimi Hendrix choked to death on his own vomit after ingesting wine and sleeping pills. Janis Joplin died of an overdose of whiskey and heroin. Conceptual artist Piero Manzoni crapped in 90 small cans which were then factory sealed and offered for sale at the price of gold (source: http://www.museumofconceptualart.com/accomplished/).

June 29, 2012

June 28, 2012

“My world falls apart, crumbles, “The centre cannot hold.” There is no integrating force, only the naked fear, the urge of self-preservation. I am afraid. I am not solid, but hollow. I feel behind my eyes a numb, paralysed cavern, a pit of hell, a mimicking nothingness. I never thought. I never wrote, I never suffered. I want to kill myself, to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly into the womb. I do not know who I am, where I am going—and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions. I long for a noble escape from freedom—I am weak, tired, in revolt from the strong constructive humanitarian faith which presupposes a healthy, active intellect and will. There is nowhere to go.”     -Sylvia Plath

“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”

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“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.”

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“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.”

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“And I, love, am a pathological liar,”

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-Sylvia Plath Quotes

one thing i  learned in domestic violence prevention and intervention training is how every woman has their own breaking point, entirely unique to themselves and their experience of the world, a point (roughly) wherein she realizes the life she has accepted for herself is no longer the one she wishes to participate in, the point where the vague consideration to leave comes to become the forefront nagging voice dictating her waking experience. mine was when i thought hany had broken my arm and had been unwilling to come to my aid, in spite of the context- not because there wasn’t plenty of points beforehand that should have been just as compelling, not for any other reason than watershed experiences are unpredictable, idiosyncratic decision spaces born in individual chaos and presence. we feel them before we can properly isolate and identify them. we feel them way before we understand or appreciate them. i think.

anyways, i ramble away on all this because. i think. i may have happened upon yet another one late last week. i had went over to watch a movie (the ‘tree of life’ – 2011 indie flick with brad pitt and sean penn) with my new boy that is a friend in the sense that people mean when they say the two words together. there is a scene where a 50’s house husband restrains his 50’s house wife  in his arms’ embrace–in their kitchen– after he had lost his temper with their children at the dining room table. she is frustrated and upset and he just puts his arms around her to keep her from violently expressing (in their shared reality frame) any of the overwhelming sentiments she is feeling throughout her person. until she calms down quietly calming soothing accepting. the restraint scene goes on for a few very long seconds, and it absolutely captivated my attention.  50’s husband wasn’t a bad father, or even a bad husband either . the 50’s husband wasn’t a bad anything. but all that  is irrelevant.

i haven’t exploded yet, i thought to myself, i still haven’t really and truly splattered my guts all across the kitchen. and i haven’t been quite the same since late last week.

June 22, 2012

‘Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts.

Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts.

Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me…

Anything can happen, child.  Anything can be.’

 

-Shel Silverstein