but surely
sinking in
i finally got the message


i looked at my little list
 of lifeless priorities
 and got in the car
 and left


betting you're breathing with me
rising and falling and rising again

feel me fleeing

up ahead
a toll fee toll feet tall
remember me

‘If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal,
not to people or things.’ -Albert Einstein

‘Lingering in,
what about the sweetness we knew
what about what’s good, what’s true
from those days?’

-Sun Kil Moon, lyrics

I’d love to think the haphazard style and miserable ambiguity with which I have gone about engaging those few I have hoped to keep close over the years has been successful. I am not convinced, however, whatsoever, that I could not have done a better job. The issue is, and has always been, that (and this has been a point I can be obnoxiously vocal about) it makes no rational sense to me to commit to three of the four sub-categories of nouns–i.e. ‘persons’, ‘places’, or ‘things’–leaving only ‘ideas’, which beautiful, worthwhile, and infinitely entertaining as they are (and they are!), it is the prospect of sharing them with an Other, who genuinely understands them and us, that rejuvenates our efforts. Long story short, I reserve my verdict regarding commitment to ‘persons’, pending further investigation.


The Jeff’s and I set out on our first big adventure; and it came with a mission, no less: to document the existence of a (live) ivory-billed woodpecker (which are currently thought to be extinct). Getting the mission off the ground was a mission in itself since it involved manipulating Handsome Jeff into coming along in the first place .You see,  this mission entailed traveling out to the Apalachicola Forest, which is more than 2 miles away from Jeff’s apartment. And, unfortunately, Jeff H.  pretty much only likes to go places within this designated comfort zone. His favorite hot spots, therefore, include Gumby’s “Chew Until Your Gums Turn to Goo” Pizza , the Sweet Shop, and the (recently closed down) Circle K.

Anways, I basically had to trick Jeff H. into coming with me to Barnes and Nobles, promising we would merely peruse book shelves in a nicely air conditioned environment. Once there, Jeff O. joined me and together we cornered and berated Jeff H. for his cowardice, thereby effectively peer pressuring him into joining us on not one, but two, outdoor excursions (trial run on the same day: St. Mark’s Wildlife Preserve, tomorrow mission day: Apalachicola Forest and St. George Island).

To catch him up on the plan, we showed him a map of the forest terrain, pictures of the Ivory-Billed wood pecker, and  some super disturbing photos of Jeff O.’s uncle’s spotting, hunting down, slaughtering, stuffing, and ostentatious displaying of the “last” Ivory-Billed woodpecker. We explained how Jeff O. is fated to find the last ivory-billed pecker (just like Simba is destined to become king).

St. Mark’s was a lot of fun (no matter what Jeff H. tells you). We went on a cool trail, saw a bunch of birdies, saw some deers, and got to catch the sun set on the gulf. It was super pretty and fun. Then we went for pizza. It wasn’t Gumby’s, to Jeff’s (unsolicited) chagrin, but it was still yummy. We agreed to set out for the forest early the next morning.

The next day started super early (I woke up at 5:30 am), waited forever downstairs for princess to put on his guy-liner and pretty up his face for the animal kingdom, and then we headed over to Jeff O.’s. After a quick stop for breakfast, we started out on the road. While we (ultimately) didn’t secure our objective (the pecker) on this first mission out, the day ended up being way too much fun and I laughed too hard and too frequently to be able to recall it all in all the detail it deserves. BUT, I can still hit on the few highlights that immediately come to mind:

-When Jeff O. drove and when the Jeff’s explained to me where babies come from and when I got to pick songs from Jeff O’s IPOD to play on the two-hour ride out. Jeff O’s music library included such indispensable classics as Hansen’s “Oom-Bop”, Justin Timberlake’s “I’m bringing sexy back”, and Spice Girls “Tell Me Watcha Want”..

And Coolio’s “Gangster’s Paradise” !!! Which isn’t lame at all, its awesome and gangster, just like me, so I jammed out.

-When Jeff O. explained to Jeff H. how sea gulls don’t really exist after Jeff H. got done telling us about all the sea gulls he had seen at St. George. Jeff H. got mad and said that didn’t make any sense b/c people go see (and say they see) sea gulls all the time. Jeff O. explained that just b/c something doesn’t exist, it doesn’t mean people don’t say they see it or go looking for it, citing the fact that we were currently searching for a bird that is technically extinct (the “technically extinct” part being news to Jeff H., who then flipped.  “We’re looking for a bird that’s extinct?” he retorted in shock,  “What the fuck!? What’s wrong with you guys?!?).

-When Jeff O. explained to us how he is superior to the rest of the world b/c he can get the last drip of toothpaste out of a toothpaste tube (He also doesn’t scratch his itches, unlike the rest of humanity, another reason he cites as evidence of his vast superiority).

-When we went to the quaint and scenic little town of Apalachicola- and when we went to Piggly Wiggly’s to get picnic supplies (Jeff H. had come up with the super smart idea that we should have a picnic at St. George Island). He spent a good deal of time complimenting his own foresight in having brought oranges and bread that could be used towards this end. Piggly Wiggly’s had a meat mobile smoke house set up. I had never seen that before.

-When we had our picnic at St. George, on a bench (on a deck overlooking the marshes) that Jeff O. had spotted that was ideal b/c it only had one long bench seat on just one of its sides (so we could eat beside each other without having to look at each others’ faces).

-When Jeff O. climbed over the edge of our perched up picnic area deck and Jeff H. thought Jeff O. was trying to kill himself  so Jeff H.  grabbed his leg to try and save him, at which point Jeff O. then thought that Jeff H. was trying to kill him and begged him not to throw him overboard. All the while I sat calmly (like the silent and patient and humble leader that I am) and watched as these two hopeless souls learned how to love each other.

-When we had our grape-catching-in-our-mouths contest. When Jeff O. explained to us the superior way to eat a grape (Spit out the skin. I know, utterly pointless.) and chastised us for our practice of inferior ways (Just eating and not wasting whatever we put in our mouths. I know, obviously right).

-When Jeff O. peed really *really* loud out of view but right beside me and Jeff H. and we both started laughing really loud at the sound of the thunderous stream shaking the ground beneath our picnic deck.

-When we walked the island with our feet in the water all along the beach and it was  *really* super beautiful and the sun was reflecting all off the waves and everything looked super glittery and I’m pretty sure that walk was what perfect is. I also practiced and perfected a bad ass sea gull impression that really impressed the Jeff’s (since it involved effectively imitating something that doesn’t technically exist).

-On the drive back home, when we talked about how Jeff H. wanted to be a novelist when he was younger, and how upset the story of Puff the Magic dragon made me when I was younger, and how Jeff O. thinks we should try and come up with some get rich quick scheme to pay our way through this upcoming summer. I came up with several really good invention ideas (including the use of solar panels on various household medium and apparel, as well as the creation of gum with flavor that lasts longer than ten minutes). Jeff H. tried (and failed miserably) to copy my level of ingenuity by suggesting we invent T-shirts with built in radios (I know.  And yes, it’s *exactly* as stupid as it sounds.) Meanwhile, Jeff O. was being a non-contributing zero in the get-rich-quick, invention brain-storming session– except every now and then when he would pipe up to let us know when our ideas (including the toothpaste tube squeezer out) failed to impress him since he didn’t need them to be as awesome as he clearly already is.

-When I finally got home and reflected on how hard I had laughed all day. And how lucky I am to have stumbled upon such an awesome day. And how lucky I am to have stumbled upon such incredible friends, even despite myself.



dreams are so weird. and i wish i had written down the details of this one i had last night. someone was giving a gift to me (but i was my mom) and then a person who physical-appearance-wise was my buela i understood to be my mom, and then the person who physical appearance-wise was my mom, i was understanding as cary (my mom’s best friend). my mind understood the interactions unfolding in the dream like this, w/out drawing out the logical inconsistencies. which made me think of a report i had heard from a friend or on the npr (i can’t remember now) about a brain trauma situation wherein the person could remember people he/she was very close to (like a wife and children) but had no memory of their faces. or something like that. weird weird. but the experience in the dream last night made that kind of a weird condition seem to make more sense to me how maybe it could happen.


got something out of Malebranche. or projected something onto him. or some creative combination of both. not to dwell and not to attach. not to dwell or attach or settle for less than more than. immediate desire for nothing for no thing no thin ness no thin less than more than this less ness. cultivate some forethought some fore thought for more than this this thin less ness immediacy of mind less ness spine less ness mess.