Is this real life?

2011.09.23


Picture it: Red Old Spice Deodorant Stick (that’s right, I wear it like I have a pair to back it up). I pick it up and look at it from a few angles, open the cap, take a whiff, close it back up, note the texture of the twister component on the bottom, then begin reading the words on the back of the Old Spice Deodorant label (and I quote):

Old Spice High Endurance Deodorant

CONTAINS ODOR-FIGHTING  ‘ATOMIC ROBOTS’ THAT ‘SHOOT LASERS’

AT YOUR ‘STENCH MONSTERS’ AND REPLACES THEM WITH FRESH, CLEAN, MASCULINE ‘SCENT ELVES.’

_____

If you can believe it, it only gets better..

DIRECTIONS:

(1) Twist up product (don’t carve it out with a butter knife. check)

(2) Apply to underarms only. (somebody wrote these directions up: ‘Apply to underarms,’ paused, then made the call to add ‘only’)

(3) Use daily for best results.

_____

In all fairness to Old Spice, if they really are intending to market to a demographic that believes in ‘scent monsters’ and ‘scent elves’, then the ‘this is how we breathe’ directions aren’t without merit. But wait, stare at an Old Spice deodorant stick for a minute longer, and tell them what they’ll win:

INGREDIENTS:

(1) Dypropylene Glycol

(2)Propylene Glycol (this is dypropylene glycol’s sworn nemesis)

(3) Sodium Stearate

(4) Fragrance (this is an ingredient?)

(5) PPG-3 Myristyl Ether (this does not sound like the name of a toxic-chemical-bastard-spawn-child of an evil scientist. again, that’s an example of what the name of this ingredient doesn’t sound like)

(6) Tetrasodium EDTA (duh. don’t leave home without it)

(7) Violet 2

(8) Green 6 (that’s right baby, someone finally got the good sense to patent the color wheel)

____

and last but not least, the kicker..

QUESTIONS?

1-800-677-7582

http://www.oldspice.com

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2 Responses to “Is this real life?”

  1. John O'Keefe said

    fuck yeah! I love the post – you are the most interesting chica in the world M.

    John O

  2. I don’t see what the God damn problem is, frankly. The lasers part stings a little though. And I’m glad they’re still using green.

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