a little game called cocka-roachie


my mom used to do this super-cute thing when Cary, Mike and I were little kids where she would pretend like her hand was a little cockroach (tips of fingers are its little feet) and it would crawl on our arms or legs and try to tickle us. she’d be like, ‘oooooo it’s cocka-roachie. say hi to cocka-roachie!’ and we would be squeamish with delight. it was real precious moments’ shit. yup, everyone loved cocka-roachie and there were definitely fights over who was getting the most face time with the illustrious cocka-roachie.

anyways, I guess playing the cocka-roachie game must have imprinted in my mind as one of the only true ways to show affection towards someone you love (although i’m also in the habit of buying expensive meals for people i love after i have wronged them…..learned that one from daddy) b/c fast forward twenty years and guess who’s gettin a taste of cocka-roachie love’n: ole Seanie B.

that’s right. pretty much whenever Sean was going for a real-life intimate moment, cocka-roachie would show up (unannounced and uninvited) and foil his plans.

picture it: Sean having showered. maybe trimmed up the beard a bit, ready to make some moves..and as soon as I register his gestures on my ole affection-o-meter it’s like BAMMMMM

cocka-roachie time:

‘boooobs, guess who wants to say hi?!  surprise! it’s cocka-roachie!’

and the fingers on my right hand would become five legs and start crawling up Sean’s arm and straight for his face, tickling him along the way.

yup, turns out cocka-roachie was also quite the cocka-blockey..

then, once cocka-roachie was firmly established over Sean’s eyeball, I’d start pumping my hand up and down over sean’s face, slowly first and then much harder and faster…exclaiming aloud cocka-roachie was now demonstrating his undying love by vigorously dry-humping Sean’s face. Sean beared with it. in fact, he usually stayed motionless throughout the duration of the sex crime act itself. he would wince occasionally, however. sometimes even try to whimper out a plea to reason.

‘Mary…oh god, Mary, c’mon…cocka-roachie is molesting my eye…’

‘say hi to cocka-roachie.’

‘I don’t wa..”

sayyyy hiiiiii to cocka-roachie!’

‘ughhhhhhh….hi, cocka-roachie.’

‘see, he loves you. he wants to love on you! isn’t this great?!’

‘ughhh… .yeah. this is awesome. it feels like my skull is getting raped, marebear. cocka-roachie is raping my fucking eyeball.’

this would go on for minutes, on several different occasions, over the course of several years…

moral of the story:

-you will show love to others the way your parents showed love to you.


-the most amazing, patient, awesome, and inspiring guy a girl could ever have the (incredibly good) fortune of having entered her life will likely let her get away with pretending her hand is an insect-vermon vigorously violating his face when he is trying his darndest to create just one serious romantic moment between the two of them.

i love you, boobs.     this one is for you.


One Response to “a little game called cocka-roachie”

  1. Essie said

    Hahaha, too cute!

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