tire swings

2011.04.27

hated them

but they were part of the scene

hated them

because i had no control

unless i pushed

so i kept pushing

my self

round and spinning

into selves

dizzy and disoriented

selfless selves

and i remember

from the very beginning

just wanting to throw it all up

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molly

2011.04.26

mad machine

promised her

when she was young

if she didn’t distract

didn’t counter-act

contract her services

_______

misleading statement

mad machine

molly is older

independent contractor    of a kind

whistler’s whistle blower

only plays with those       of a  kind

only stays and has her ways with those she knows can’t pay   yet

most distracting thighs

but its her tongue

that keeps her street corner coordinates

glowing flashing fiery red alarms

a star on their map

_______

she cons people for their pennies

to make her moves  those illuminating antics

pennies swallowed by sheep

pennies they owe the mad machine

molly is older

subversive starlet

a beggar with grenades

and thank you notes

in her fiber

woven

weather

torn

bag of tricks

for trade

for teasing you

for  change

my eyes like to close and sense the sides of my mouth rise
and the skin on my face will flush a rush of warmth radiates through to the surface
and i tingle in my nerves to know in my mind to feel in my bones
and through the tones of my own sweet voice  i hear truth

that i have in fact never been happier in my whole life than i am now

when i open them again all is so new and foreign facing me awkwardly wandering and waiting on me and wanting to know what i will do next and what is my plan nowadays now end days and i beam i absolutely beam with delight come come you will love this i swear just try this on and everything will be perfect and you will feel greeted with open arms and open hearts and open minds every which way you turn just do as i do and i do the same thing over and over again see like me watch

my eyes like to close and sense the sides of my mouth rise
and the skin on my face will flush a rush of warmth radiates through to the surface
and i tingle in my nerves to know in my mind to feel in my bones
and through the tones of my own sweet voice  i hear truth

that i have in fact never been happier in my whole life than i am now

My Easter Prayer

2011.04.24

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me the strength and confidence to share my prayers, my paralyzing fears and rejuvenating hopes, aloud with you each day, and on this day of exceptional symbolic significance of the power of self sacrifice, transcendence, forgiveness, and rebirth.

My deep fears, dear God, that in going about the world with your message as our end in one hand, we have held force as our means in the other hand; that we have, in fact, gone about the world, “bible in one hand, rifle in the other.”

I ask that if we need to let go of our bibles, in order that we may drop our rifles, that you provide us with the wisdom and fearlessness to do so, that you facilitate the creation of safe human spheres where alternative words and sign posts and ideas may be generated that will orient us more authentically to our divine tasks of kindness, compassion, the alleviation of suffering, and the equal and just distribution of all your precious life resources that all your precious creation may have equal opportunities to flourish.

I ask that you provide us with the wisdom to see our judgments concerning the status of our poor (less fortunate) brethren, regarding their aptitude, their worthiness, their determination, their drive, their work ethic, and their intent

for what they always only were, and will only always have been-

a sad but sincere reflection on the state of our own consciousness, an honest indication of the current limitations of our own ability to understand your message in the packages it has been thus far presented and delivered to us in.

My deepest hope, dear God, in going about the world, is that you may continue to facilitate opportunities for personal growth and continue to foster within us a creative energy, generous spirit, and relentless drive to do everything within our power to learn and share your true message through all our thoughts and acts.

Let every one of our thoughts be for peace and love, pure and simple.

Let every one of our acts be to alleviate and counter-act the incredible suffering produced by (and being reproduced by) grossly dysfunctional and unjust man-made, greed-based systems of human inequality (of freedom and well being and potential and power).

Most of all, I pray that you encourage these thoughts and acts to emerge from the most humble of roots- by reminding us each and every day (and never letting us forget) that we do not, nor have we ever, nor will we ever, legitimately be able to claim property rights to (or sole ownership over) anything at all, beyond our own conscious Presence.

Amen.

2011.04.22

artist

“Artist,

of course I am an ARTIST  she screamed

and leapt from the couch

flailing her arms  and dancing into the wall   throwing plates and breaking glass

yelling profanities at the top of her lungs,  dropping her pants   and then her panties

she ran to the drawer  frantic  papers flew  strewn across the desk top

markers fell    post its everywhere (they help her remember)

“Aha! I’ll show you Art”  and she started tossing nude photos of herself   hidden at the bottom of the drawer

in the back corner of her mind

black and whites    four generations worth

“I’ve been taking them my whole lives!   So don’t you talk to me about art!

You wouldn’t know good art if it slapped you in the face,

let alone kissed you ‘good morning’ each day,

washed your clothes,

made your coffee,

laughed at your jokes,

told your stories,

played by your rules in the majority reality frame.

No, sir. Don’t talk to me about Art.

You don’t know shit about Art.”

then she  calmly sat back down  at the very corner of the couch

(so as not to take up more space then she needed)

she allowed her shoulders to slouch      smiled her mischievous smile

and without offering a slight pause to honor

or at least acknowledge

the transition of mood from volatile creativity to radiating inner peace

she apologized for the outburst    politely   and went about her business

“Give up defining yourself – to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don’t be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.” 

“Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be.”

“This, too, will pass.”

“Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to “die before you die” — and find that there is no death.”

“Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness.”

“Anything that you resent and strongly react to in another is also in you.”

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.”

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.”

“A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.”

“Is there a difference between happiness and inner peace? Yes. Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not.”

“Humanity is now faced with a stark choice: Evolve or die. … If the structures of the human mind remain unchanged, we will always end up re-creating the same world, the same evils, the same dysfunction.”

“Don’t let a mad world tell you that success is anything other than a successful present moment.”

“Awareness is the power that is concealed within the present moment. … The ultimate purpose of human existence, which is to say, your purpose, is to bring that power into this world.”

“To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness. This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad. It seems almost paradoxical, yet when your inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly. Things, people, or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them – while they last. All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease.”

-Eckhart Tolle

let me invite you out tomorrow

show you a grand ole time  the finest of company

and genuine music performed impassioned

received embraced

the finest spirits among kindred spirits

i’ll pick you up all dressed up

fix my hair and such

super pretty for you

revolutionary dialogue

animated too

i’ll woo you through to the morning

when the oppressed

don’t feel internal guilt anymore

or at least when they learn to place it

more appropriately

more accurately

within a complicated interwoven quilt of contextual variables

wherein their decision space was understandably

constrained and determined

not entirely   never entirely

but just enough to compromise informed decision making

when the guilt is understood and when the self is forgiven

and when the self is vindicated by this experience of context

and when the self is affirmed by a loving voice of reason

of camaraderie in shared first person experiences

well then you can save your  feel good hand outs

and silence your feel superior judgments

and tie your rope of subjective taken for granted assumptions

(you call it your pillow of objective truth)

over your head and around your own neck

(you say its between your neck and the bed  just under your head)

and never be the wiser

(you say you could never be wiser)

while we renew the whole world as you sleep

while we reinvent the morning

while we breath life back into your patterns

and we’ll still have breakfast ready for you in the morning

and all you’ll have to do

is trust our toast

so what’s going on  

you two are still together , right?

still a couple

think branches on a bonsai tree

just friends?

are you a lesbian?

you’re not a lesbian

a small bonsai  where its overabundance of growth energy

is channeled with a great deal of intentionality

boyfriend and girlfriend? 

I don’t believe in that shit anyways

he’s not a fag,  right?

most of the time to promote optimum overall growth

sometimes just to create beautiful intricate patterns

partners?  what about the “life partners” bullshit?

you promised me you two would get engaged

of course this requires the branches to grow apart at times

sometimes for several years at a time

to meet and wrap themselves within other branches

and reunite again in increasingly complicated and splendidly straightforward rendezvous’

bonsai branches come from the same source with the same force and thrust outwards dancing upwards to the stars in

their streaming colliding swaying bowing blossoming smooth balance towards reunification and renunciation of

explicit commitments  the antithesis of creation

because   simply   there is no need for commitment in a shared creative sphere

it is understood  by branches of this kind

the commitment is to unconditional love  balanced nurturing   mutual support  generosity of spirit

and promotion of individual freedom and growth

just promise me you two are going to get married

don’t disappoint me again

Mary, please

for your mother’s sake,

don’t do this to your mother again

don’t make me do this again

everything is going good

I don’t want to have to change

don’t do this to the family again

don’t make me do this

and they never worry that the whole dark and constrained and god-forsaken world

could come blindly and ignorantly  and violently and intentionally

crumbling down on them

at any wondrous captivating playful and pleasant moment in time

healers

2011.04.21

you look for fallen trees

abandoned warehouses
blank stares
open and empty bottles

you look for stagnant water
drainage
malnourished cats
mislabeled nutrients

you look for misnomers
euphemisms
paper cuts
their residuals

and that’s where you set up shop
camp
plant some seeds
begin watering and
in these dark sad quiet damp
recesses of the longest nights of their lives

you tell stories about the sun
until the morning comes
(as it always does)
then you let the sun tell its own stories
until it absorbs the moment
in light

*

once upon a *TIME*

***

*I* almost ran out of *TIME*

but *I* stopped *DEAD*

in *MY* tracks

and *I* bought back into *MY* game.

*****

*I* would proceed to do this several times

*TIME* and *TIME* again

through multiples of  *MY* rotations

over infinite *MY* revolutions

with no clear or consistent or grand articulation as to why.

********************************************************************************************************************************

‘This one is for the lonely, the ones that seek and find
Only to be let down, time after time
This one is for the torn down, the experts at the fall
Common friends get up now, you’re not alone at all

And this part was for her and this part was for her,
This part was for her, does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves.

This one is for the faithless, the ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now regardless of their fight
This one is for believing, if only for it’s sake
Common friends get up now, love is to be made

And this part was for her
And this part was for her,
This part was for her,

Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves.’

-Greg Laswell, Song lyrics: “Comes and Goes”

blood under my nails.

why?

sweat thick spatial weight
no story line
wake up
the act of trying to remember
story line, please

we open our eyes before we wake up

oh, there you are again you menace
my acute reminder
my muse on off days
of exactly where i am “where I’ve been”

lets start another day
my legs asleep
why don’t you wake her up by sitting on her?
my shoulders aren’t burdened
yet either
so why don’t you have your friend there bring it all flooding back

keep your story line, please

before i pop my coffee and pour my soul

the story line
go ahead  no its okay

i changed my mind

hold me back keep me from
creating my own waves ( even though I promised I’d make you two again in an alternative paradise)
but you insist on keeping me from my promotion
keep those demigods from their God
you most offensive elusive cowards
hiding entirely below awareness (perhaps slightly beyond it)
regardless waiting to be called out challenged then abandoned

or integrated with intentionality and creative purpose (see aforementioned proposition)

well whatever your call you know i know your secret
so create your ways to kill me (or undermine my confidence) quickly
before i tell every living breathing fellow bottom dweller

and don’t keep racking your brains over why none of the investment strategies worked

i’m just another breed of system mutation  you knew very well the possibility existed

and the whole story line
the masterpiece
can disappear
now

what? you want them to know as much as I do?
its better all around (this must be part of the plan to end me)
than who is your boss?   no boss?
story line!

line!!

i made you?  have you lost my mind!

(is this the poison pill you’re going to feed me?)

this is all a  joke then and  i won’t take it seriously i refuse

i choose? i choose

why on Earth does that get left out of the story line then?

(oh my goodness, what haven’t i done then)
check. again. another strategy to undermine my confidence. just so i won’t act. just to prove to me it is impossible to keep up with infinite adapting evolving systems ( to exceed system expectations   to do it better faster )  i won’t tell   because (as you know) I can’t tell  for sure

why

there is so much blood under my nails.

‘He stumbled into Faith and Thought,

God, this is all there is?

______________

The pictures in his mind arose,
And began to breathe.

And no one saw, and no one heard.
They just followed the lead.

______________

The pictures in his mind arose,
And began to breed.

______________

They started out beneath the knowledge tree.
Then they chopped it down to make white picket fences,

And, marching along the railroad tracks,
They smile real wide for the camera lenses.

They made it past the enemy lines,
Just to become enslaved in the assembly lines.

______________

Blue lips, blue veins,

Blue

the color of our Planet from far, far away

Blue

the most Human color.’

Blue Lips (Song lyrics) Regina Spektor

james

2011.04.18

or jack the photographer
who wasn’t as intimidated as he should be

was that you    the smoker with the steez
sitting there this evening across the way from me

and did you feel the news
that i won’t be here long now
and this is where you flew

well this one is for you  know now i see you
what else will you do with nothing to lose

Some quotes and quips that reflect parts and portions of aspects of lessons and ideas I learned that I have yet to master:

This one helped me deal with receiving and losing 60,000 within approximately 12 hours time (don’t worry about it), as well as dealing with the acquisition and loss of someone and their larger-than-life presence and impact on my life this past week.

Softly and kindly remind yourself, ”I cannot own anything.” It is a valuable thought to keep in mind as you struggle to improve your financial picture, worry about investments, and plan how to acquire more and more. It is a universal principle which you are part of. You must release everything when you truly awaken. Are you letting your life go by in frustration and worry over not having enough? If so, relax and remember that you only get what you have for a short period of time. When you awaken you will see the folly of being attached to anything.

-Wayne Dyer

__________________________________________________

Yeah. I’m trying to grow a pair as we speak.

Most people have a harder time letting themselves love than finding someone to love them.

–Bill Russell

__________________________________________________

So true, so never do.

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”

-Ann Landers

__________________________________________________

Sneaking suspicion there may be something to this (‘Almighty’  and/or ‘God’ can be ‘universe’ depending on your metaphor preference).

I am satisfied that when the Almighty wants me to do or not do any particular thing, He finds a way of letting me know it.”

-Abraham Lincoln

What we are is God’s gift to us. What we become is our gift to God.

-Eleanor Powell

__________________________________________________

Proactively trying.

Think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go.

-Oprah Winfrey

__________________________________________________

Some of these truths I think I knew, but my appreciation for them may have strengthened recently through first-person experience.

Creativity can be described as letting go of certainties.

-Gail Sheehy

Generosity is another quality which, like patience, letting go, non-judging, and trust, provides a solid foundation for mindfulness practice. You might experiment with using the cultivation of generosity as a vehicle for deep self-observation and inquiry as well as an exercise in giving. A good place to start is with yourself. See if you can give yourself gifts that may be true blessings, such as self-acceptance, or some time each day with no purpose. Practice feeling deserving enough to accept these gifts without obligation-to simply receive from yourself, and from the universe.

-Jon Kabat-Zinn

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.

-Daniele Vare

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Great communicators have an appreciation for positioning. They understand the people they’re trying to reach and what they can and can’t hear. They send their message in through an open door rather than trying to push it through a wall.

-John Kotter

All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.

-Cyril Connolly

Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.”

-Voltaire

The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.

-Dalai Lama

__________________________________________________

“There is always some madness in love.

But there is also always some reason in madness.

Love is not consolation.

It is light.”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

kayaking

2011.04.16

was  pleasant          dominoes      was boring

egomaniacs  entertaining   then frustrating

the  protesting   passionate   stunning

she        is something else

these shorts are analogous to those

mysterious plastic bags in the car (and not in the car)

see its past now (it doesn’t exist)  just under your eyes

betray me

proving to me (once and for all)  how damning things that don’t exist can be

possibly

get the system
get my system
(get it out of your system)
get to where we can create the system

ditch the chopsticks

and me (i’ll miss you)

this is compromising productivity

i’m begging me (i see you)

forgive me

wait for me

_______________________________________________________

“…in the case where the self is merely represented and ideally presented, there it is not actual:

where it is by proxy, it is not.”

-W. F. Hegel, Phenomenology of Mind

___________

no  apologies

no  excuses

____________

for  being  me

just   being   Me

__________

becoming   me

__________


“To the extent that necessity is socially dreamed, the dream becomes necessary. The spectacle is the nightmare of imprisoned modern society which ultimately expresses nothing more than its desire to sleep. The spectacle is the guardian of sleep.”

-guy debord

“But certainly for the present age, which prefers the sign to the signified, the copy to the original, fancy to reality, the appearance to the essence….illusion only is sacred, truth profane. Nay, sacredness is held to be enhanced in proportion as truth decreases and illusion increases, so that the highest degree of illusion comes to be the highest degree of sacredness.”

-Feuerbach, Preface to the 2nd Edition of The Essence of Christianity

it’s okay
for sure
i’m alright
you see
scratching
scraping
cramping
crawling
sprawled out inwardly
burning
bursting
into fearless tears
what a creative way to break my heart
what a super neat way to devastate me
i’m so impressed
want to see something cool
show you a little trick
don’t worry
i’m okay
it’s okay

i’m not good with names

or faces or memories or promises

why are you looking at me like that?

it’s not personal

i assure you

by the way

who are you?

Ginkgo Biloba

2011.04.12

I was taking random herbal supplements and vitamins
from Sean’s hand the dispensary
so what does this do?
it’s suppose to improve your memory
my immediate (was it natural) gag reflex adaptation unease swallowed
something wrong with that?
no its good, just not my thing

new feeling

2011.04.11

it was throwing me off big time
sharp spasms so acutely manifesting
you are twitching
i didn’t know
they cut the ropes and threw me in the light
no cave dwelling learning lab demos
Power surging vibrating frequencies light exploding
i have never felt and for the first time can only feel
this archaic and new feeling
swelling horizons beyond my mind through space inside
what pain feels like I thought or loss or ambiguity or strain
but i realize now it is Power and i can’t shake it my gut reaction
is dissociation because Power is evil but what if
i were morgan freeman in Batman
will i be morgan freeman in Batman
your guess is as good as mine

maria

2011.04.11

i’m going to undermine
the lines you draw in his sand

because i am the sand
and i Know there are no lines

my thing

2011.04.11

I’m me in words and run-on sentences and idea bundles denoted by asterisks more so than in person largely due to layers of perception perspective judgment constraint projected presumed upon me in between me and my interactions with Others so I’m less so me though when in the majority reality frame and I am increasingly well aware of that as empirical evidence I am offering this level of clarity in articulation of said phenomenon for sure for the first time and that’s my thing I’m working on it.

everybody has a thing there working on it.

concept artist

2011.04.11

And so it is the case that I feel very differently for you than anyone else I currently know or have known.

I don’t have a full grasp on all the exact qualities about you that fueled this sense of overwhelming attraction. I know there is a lot I find in you that reminds me of aspects of myself that are and have been creatively repressed throughout my life.
I know I feel surges of your potential in every one of our interactions.
That is (of course) very attractive as well.

And I can concede that I may do a very poor job of expressing myself clearly and making my intentions transparent. We seem to be similar in this regard.

The truth of the matter was, this was (probably) the absolute worst week you could have come for a visit BUT I wanted to see you as soon as was possible and ignored the challenges this time period would pose to me being able to have authentic interaction with you. I haven’t decided if this was a critical mistake yet.

Despite that concern, there were moments of authenticity and clarity that reassured me a great deal about what I already know I feel—very confident—that meeting you compliments a current project to learn about and discover and find a sense of balance within myself and through an Other.

I know I defied Texan tradition by establishing an emotional connection prior to receiving my mix CD and (as if that wasn’t sacrilegious enough) kissed you well before having had the opportunity to hear these songs or go on three horrendous dates or really treat you like shit at all. Forgive me. I have always had a hard time pretending to not know where something will lead or how big a deal it truly could be if I am fairly well aware. I’m also bad with pageantry and pretenses.

I think that I feel like I know that we would be a *big deal*good decision*wise endeavor* pairing up* in some way and shape or fashion for this life time. I suspect a creative pairing in this regard would serve as the single most significant leap of progress on the aforementioned personal project of facilitating growth through finding balance in an Other.

If you don’t know what it is you actually want or who you actually want or if you actually want anyone or any commitment at all, I entirely understand any and all of this (probably better than most) and would just appreciate your sharing the sentiment with me, so I can adjust my orientation to you accordingly. At this stage, its not like I couldn’t be entirely mistaken in these intuitions I’m sharing with you and the clearest indication of this (honestly) is if they are not shared by you.

So for sure I know I can be a consistently positive presence throughout your life, regardless and YES, I do fall in love all the time (I fell in love with you three times this week alone) BUT I can honestly say I only very rarely feel the level of attachment I felt today for you AND *I can count on one hand with one finger* the number of times I have reached out the way I am doing NOW into what feels like *absurd*dark* inconsistency*unknown* to offer a hand exclusively to you for a stroll on a (potentially lengthy) trail which will doubtless have plenty of alligators presenting themselves as opportunities for us to sacrifice each other in the name of some Person or Place or Thing worth far less to us in the greater scheme of things than what we could mean for each other.. if we stay *smart*in step*with respect*one step ahead of the gators…again, it feels like a big deal waiting to be realized and maybe for sure I’d be remiss in not disclosing this sense.

I think you know what you could offer me and I hope you have at least some sense of what I can offer back and so there is enough in all this for some informed decision-making and so this is my attempt at creating a safe, open, honest space for that.

I’m sorry for the run-on sentences and odd-speak. It comes too naturally and the effort to censure it seems like more trouble than it would be worth for a personal letter of this sort.

I get that I’m weird and this is a weird idea of a love letter, but you’re bright enough to have discerned (early on, I’m sure) that I would probably have weirdness of a sort and god knows you’re weird as hell yourself.

only love

M

page 260

2011.04.11

‘And then the sense of space, of depth, is Lost as the snowflakes fall into a pattern.’

-Blankets, Craig Thompson

windfall

2011.04.11

for sure
is through the medium
i can’t believe how angry I can be
thoughts for sure calculating me

boxes in boxes out me scratch through claw through
get crazy I’ll say anything
recklessly call out selves to question selves to torture using your own ammo that I know
because you ask me to hold it for you in a loaded gun
because you trusted me more than you trust yourself

and now I’m going to blow your brains out
cash in that liquid gold
petty for sure but i can’t stand the weakness

your meekness that comfort in comfy patterns of mediocrity
of course I’d pull the trigger in that case
I see cycles that’s why you gave me the gun in the first place
certainly wasn’t like I was known for stability equanimity
clearly you may just have well made moves yourself
were it not for your inclination towards suspension stagnation
but you factored for that in the equation which is more than most
can say
you dug this grave find the fetal position surprisingly paradoxically
its entirely painless if you are trying to feel it
and the more you try I swear the less pain can thrive
and soon you’ll be blowing your own brains out on a daily basis
like a prayer each night before you sleep

Lord allow for rebirth let me come back stronger and more willing and capable of facilitating those flourishing meadows of star dust in your eyes

hey now

2011.04.11

leave it be
you don’t know me

hey hey now
take your shot
bring it brought

hey hey now
less and less everyday
you’re nothing special now
hey
hey

3:18 a.m.

2011.04.11

o bland brother

it’s all your fault for not coloring lines of novelty and innovation and initiation

o bland bland mother fucker

its all your fault

we all know I would have cartwheeled and slurred bubbles this lifetime on your behalf

i could have taken anything  force peace question marks sparks flying cups

but o bland brother biding the time comfort floater foreigner to that deranging drive

I’d rather take out my eyes with sticks or my own fingers and listen to her laughing boisterously

swaying seriously breathing heavily and see you glancing awkwardly uncomfortably back at me

for an affirmation that if I give you the impression of for even a second will only be with an intent harboring the most

treacherous vestiges of deceit and retribution

so leave me bland brother

worthless mother fucker

leave

me

be

me, too

2011.04.11

making pretty artwork got me noticed in art class

cut my mother’s flowers and fed my sister’s doll to the dog

that was me too

did not kill my brother’s Giga pet or steal my dad’s ring

fell for a manipulative con man or a ridiculous, controlling young soul

so that was all me too

engaged and married and caged and constrained

the sound of the image of a man using the finger he licked to put out a candle’s flame

the voice and eyes and demeanor of the disenfranchised

using my ashes to draw their shapes and tell their stories on the floor

through these acts of pure presence in kindness we survive

that was certainly me too

the lying the cheating the manipulation the calculation

the giving the loving the axioms of selfless endeavors

all of it was me

the Lego cottage home

the Paradisa Club

the subsequent  impulse desecration of the Paradisa Club

me, too

Reference Point

2011.04.08

Mumbling boiling above below between.     Besides you I don’t know where I even mean.

Best left unsaid all I’ve saved this date.     Come see me be me.    Believe it’s not too late.

But where with all beyond the wall do lofty ambitions grind?

You know me  it is so me left in here to hear unwind.